Trying to Understand

Everyday I try my best to treat others the way I want to be treated, but for some reason this is not being reciprocated. I dont know if its karma or maybe people are just heartless. No matter of fact its simple everybody is out for self gratification and they will achieve it at any cost, whether it be lying, cheating, or deceiving. It all comes down to looking out for youeself and not worrying about your neighbor. Well, if thats the case people dont need each other so why have friends? Isnt a friend suppose to stick closer than a brother, at least thats what Jesus said. Right now, at this moment, I dont understand so maybe I should just stand alone.

Dazed and confused about so many things...I am just trying to understand.....

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Been thinking about it for a while, trying to find a reason to smile, so now I'm soliciting you.

I want to wake up to a phone call or even your touch. A sweet text saying good morning or a kiss on my cheek...oh so sweet, could this be you?

Someone that's not afraid to let me invade the place in their heart that only God dwells. Yes, that's right...a man that's willing to open up. So with that being said, let me go ahead and tell you how this could be. Don't have the time for you to waste my time nor mind while you play your games. Because while you're out trying to find yourself I'll simply walk away and find somebody else.

Yes I have a job but my money supports me. So please have a J-O-B. Not asking for a CEO, lawyer, or judge, but a full-time working man who has enough money in his pocket for him and her. Don't get it twisted I'm not a gold digger, but I can't do anything with a broke nicca. The way I see it, if you spoil me, trust me I'll spoil you.

I don't discriminate between any race nor culture, just want someone that will give me the same respect that you have for your sister or mother. My mind, body, and soul should be held at highest regards because the position will only be filled with some one who will be careful with my heart.

You must realize that I don't need a part-time lover, though that's cool and all, I'm looking...no I need a full time hard worker. Hmmm..I mean what I said a hard worker.

Not let's get this straight, I'm definitely not a saint and I don't expect you to be...but I know that because God I live and because God I die everyday should be a step "we" try to get close to Thee. Now with that being said I shall say this..if you don't fit this particular description there will be no compromise, but a simple dismiss.

Now all of this might seem like a lot, but really it's simple just a little complex so take a minute and evaluate yourself and if you can be the man that you read, don't hesitate to holla at me.

Speaking Two Different Languages

My mind spoke to me and said everything was cool the way it is. He told me that it would probably be better if you did you and I do me. So I went with it because I thought about it, and it simply made sense. "Let the past stay in the past," "Your exes are exes for a reason," are just some of the things I'm being told. They make sense so my mind I should follow, right?

"No," at least that's what my heart says.

"Some times your mind can play tricks and make you go right when you know it should have been left. Your mind makes you think that you're okay when you know that I, your heart, is full of heartache. Your mind filled you with thoughts full of pride and had you believing you're doing good. But I told you from the jump that pride can't hold you at night nor ease this heartache and pain. So why are you not listening to me?"

Why? Because though I hear you, my mind says

"Your heart wouldn't ache if he wouldn't have broken it in the first place. Don't you realize that your heart will have you stuck in a situation wrapped and tied with emotion? The function of your heart is set of automatic to love that's why I, your mind, must protect it from the hurt. Don't you understand?"

You're right, I don't want to be stuck in dwelling in my past, I should move along...but wait

"My child, I'm glad I'm being guarded but if this was the case why did you allow your mind to open up to me, your heart? Hmmm...if you weren't going to listen to me why did you open up from the start? The saying goes sometimes in order to love you have to let go and if it's meant to be it will come back...so you let go and it came back, trust me and love back. If it's not right I'll give you a sign, but you gotta trust your heart, not your mind."

So now I'm one person hearing two different languages...where do I go from here?

The Greener Grass

This is not my typical blog...usually I say something that's on my mind in a more poetic form, but tonight...I'm just speaking REAL!

There's a saying that says "The grass is not always greener on the other side..." well I want to take a few brief moments and elaborate on this. In the world that we live in now, most people (notice I didn't say all) don't like to deal with hardship. Everybody wants the easy way out!! From jobs, to school, to relationships, cars...everything needs to be easy. People don't even want to work hard to lose WEIGHT..they would rather go either get expensive weight loss surgery OR try taking diet pills that supposedly will trim you in few short days. And why do people fall victim to things like this...BECAUSE THEY THINK THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!

Example: (we'll use relationships) Bobby has a girlfriend that he's been with for while. She's everything that he's ever dreamed of and he truly has feelings for her, but like any other relationship, they have problems. Some times she gets on his last nerve and it's days were all they seem to do is argue. Now Bobby sees his friends who aren't really committed to anyone but are out having fun and just doing their manly thing on a daily basis. Seeing this, Bobby starts to think that maybe he should just be single. After all, he's young and he shouldn't been committed to JUST ONE. So Bobby goes dumps his girlfriend and begins living this life. After a few months, Bobby realizes this isn't what it's all cracked up to be. He's tired of dealing with "fly by night" girls and constantly partying. Now guess what...Bobby wants to go back to his girl......the grass isn't always greener...


Now see I could go on with plenty of examples how people see something with the naked eye and automatically think its better than what they already have. Sometimes, yes, the grass is greener, but before you decide to switch to the "other grass" maybe you should think about the work, effort, etc, put in to make the grass as green as it is. This all comes down to enduring the trials and hardships. STOP ACTING ON IMPULSES...THINK THINGS THROUGH...WEATHER THE STORM!!!

Things in life that's worth having you have to work hard for....work hard to get and work hard to keep. And here's another thought...the "greener grass" could just be a pretty front! This goes hand in hand with "everything that glitters isn't gold." So be thankful for the grass that you have and if you see something greener...instead abandoning yours, try putting in some work to make your even better!

Strong For Me

When you cry,
I give you my shoulder to hide your tears

When you're happy
I put my arms around your shoulder so that everyone can see your cheer

When you're mad
I give you my listening ear so that you can scream and yell words
That you might not want everybody else to hear.

And if you're about to fall,
I try my best to catch you but if I can't I make sure I'm close enough to help ease the pain.

No matter what you need, I try to be there
Not out of obligation, simply because I care.

But what's hard for me, is something you probably don't know
Not because I'm hiding anything, it's just something I have learned not to show.

See after absorbing all of your emotion, I'm simply left all alone
Only space between me and these four walls

It's time I try to let go, but this involuntary wall is not a pushover.
It's getting harder everyday to cover my emotion..
These tears about to fall and I have can't control them.
This wall is falling and I'm not as strong as you think
This shoulder that you've been leaning on, is slowly but surely about to sink.

As I sit in this space, this is my plea...
Can you...will you...be strong for me.

Too Through

On a night that I should be laying in my bed...chillin...relaxing...thinking...or doing whatever...OH NO...I'm on this social network called FACEBOOK...looking at how it's changing the life of so many...sit back...just listen

You know it's funny how this simple social network is suppose to be for fun right? You know catch up with high school friends, colleagues, co-workers, and family...OH NO....this is turned into a social catastrophe. People's lives are being torn and turned into shambles...and what's really funny which is why I'm getting all this off my chest...MEN...wait BOYS that let their deceit, lies, and games catch them up. Oh so you thought that you could have a life outside and a different on FACEBOOK and thought nobody was gonna find out???? HA...HA....HA....sorry you immature boy! It just don't work like that. This social network has turned into a baby mamas exposing baby daddy's, angry exes blasting each other, friends clashing, and most of all MEN LYING!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!

Now, I could mad, but I'm not....why stoop to that level...OH NO....it's comedy to me! And it saves me a lot of heartache and pain. I won't get mad at messages being sent to me from random females telling me about your entire "hidden" lives...NOOOO....I won't get mad at the male species for saying they're single in public but the web you are ALL BOOED UP...I can only shake my head at the females who think the MAN they so call love STATUS IS ABOUT THEM, but others know THAT ITS BOUT SOMEBODY ELSE...I can only shake for the female that finds out the man she has fallen so hard for HAS A BABY AND A GIRLFRIEND....Crazy huh? You call this FACEbook???? How about we just ask the CEO to change the name to ASSbook because apparently this is were people go and show their complete ASS!! And please believe this is not just for one race...no ITS ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!

Now I don't have a problem with FACEBOOK itself, but just some of its users! I was really hoping that in 2010 all the childish games would be over...but damn they are just getting worse. Damn! Shit like this makes you wanna just delete your account and go back to the old ways of communication via LETTER!

So how am I ending my night....simple...by doing away with the extra BULLSHIT...thank you and GOODNIGHT!

Peaking Out The Window

While growing up as teenager in high school, I greatly anticipated the day that I would go off the college and mainly get out of my parents house. It was probably not a day that went by that I didn't throw that in their face about wanting to leave away from home. So as the time approached I slowly began to pack my things up because when the day arrived for me to leave, I didn't need any hesitations or obstacles to get in my way. Finally the day arrived and we left and drove to Dallas. When I got to my dorm, I still had the feeling of excitement. As I unpacked the car, the feeling remain the same. After everything was unpacked we decided to go to Wal-Mart and then grab something to eat...all of a sudden...this grand feeling of excitement and anxiousness turned into an uncontrollable feeling of uneasiness and somewhat being overwhelmed. But of course, I wasn't going to show this to my parents....look at all the noise I had talked in the past about moving out...I had to keep smiling...So I got up and went to the restroom at the restaurant and allowed some of these new emotions to be let out.....hmmmm...
We we back to my dorm and my parents were about to leave. Of course my daddy, kept questioning if I needed anything (this was a simple mask covering up his real emotion)....and of course I was fine. My dorm had a window and ironically my parents car was in it's direct view...as they drove off and began the journey of leaving the little girl behind, I just stood their, peaking out the window....the excitement of leaving was left back at home...now I stood looking out this window with the uncertainty of what life had for me.

That was 6 years ago...

Today...

I see the things that I WANT and I began making the preparations to get them. Analyzing and weighing the different options of each proposed decision. I realize that going after what I WANT will require sacrifices that I have to take. And in taking these sacrifices, I have to come to grip with others not understanding the direction that I am taking because at the end of day, it all comes down to me and what I WANT.




The things that I NEED are very clear, but in the same breath they conflict with my WANTS. Because while obtaining the things that I NEED, I seem to be losing some of my WANTS but then it all comes back to is this...is this what I really NEED?


So now I am...



Confused....trying to decipher between the two has become a harder task that I first imagine. I thought that I knew the difference between the two, but now they have become like two giants and I'm just standing in the middle looking up.




Frustrated....not knowing which way to turn is starting to take it's toll. I want to make the right decision and have everything that I WANT and NEED, but it just seems like at this point I'm being forced to chose. And when both sides look good which way do you turn...




Scared....if I chose my NEED over my WANT or vice versa, there's a 50/50 chance that I could make the wrong decision and which leads to my biggest fear of failure. Or not even failure, but the possibility of taking one side and still longing for the other.


Now...

What am I to do.....

I don't know how and I don't know when, but some kinda way I've found myself back peaking out this window.....

Hindsight

A lot of times we make decisions in our lives based off of impulses and later face the consequences. I've been accused before of over analyzing things, but some times I feel that's what actually balances me out. I know that each decision that I make is not something that I just thought of and now acting on it. But I'm learning everything that glitters definitely isn't gold. We often look at some one else "green grass" and automatically wish that we could have and some of us will even go out and get the grass...but what we don't realize is though some one's grass seems greener, they might have put in a lot of work to get it that way. Hmmm...just something to ponder.


I guess this all comes down to hindsight....

Hindsight...yea..I know it's pointless to look back at say oh I would have did this or I would have said that, still...hindsight...just look at your past relationships..how many of them would actually change some things...yea probably all! You would probably have a few that you wouldn't dare enter again or some that you would changed what you said or even what you did. It all comes back to that ONE DECISION....to say or not to say...to do or not to do! The right decision could have saved you from a lot of sleepless lonely nights...the right decision could have prevented an argument which led to the breakup which was followed by a broken heart. I could use this example for jobs, income and any other thing in life. ONE DECISION can make a total difference. If dead people could talk, do you realize how many of them could have changed that ONE DECISION that was made that caused eternal rest? Or how many felons locked behind bars, just wishing they would have gotten out the car or never left the house? Yea the list goes on....Now the twist to that is hindsight isn't always BAD. So don't get me wrong...I can look back at some decisions I did make and I'm absolutely happy with them and their results.


So it's just easily said like this...don't make a decision based on the right now...think down the road...days, weeks, months, and years from now...will you in one those instances look back and wished that you would have never did what you did...I know its easier said than done because we are a microwave generation...just try it...and maybe, just maybe your hindsight won't be that bad!